An observation: “self-love” is gaining popularity these past two years. A lot of trends were essentially a derivative of this narrative, such as the idea that we need to “heal” ourselves (by taking a vacation to Bali), or that cancelling plans last minute just because we feel like it “is self love.” This understanding of self-love is rooted in consumerism (buying things as “self reward”), often unsustainable and it is questionable if these lead to growth.
But I think something essential is missing from these conversation about self-love. That is, the process of having hard conversation with yourself.
The analogy is this: when we enter a relationship with someone, we’d want to know more about them. We’d want to know their likes or dislikes, their favorite movies and their relationship with their mothers (do they have childhood trauma that we should be aware of? 🤔).
And although we try not to, we’d inevitably figure the not-so-lovable parts of our partners too, right? Parts like, how they react when they are angry or, what kind of deep (dark) secret they kept before they met you. We could ignore them if we want to, until they become too big and too impossible to ignore. At this phase, we usually ask ourselves the hard question: “Can I live with this? Or should I leave the relationship?”
Is it not the same with the relationship with the ‘self’? Except with the relationship with the ‘self’, there is no leaving. We are trapped, so might as well make it a good one.
If we want to enter a loving relationship with ourselves, we need to have these hard conversations. I find that having a basic conversation about my real likes or dislikes help a lot. Often, we like something because other people expect us to like it.
Say, I like reading and I research about public policy. Others expect me to like reading about public policy and thus, they gift a lot of popular public policy books. But, I really don’t want to read about public policy on my down time, I’d rather read murder mystery or weird fantasy trope (not fairy porn, definitely not fairy porn!🤡)
So it really helps to periodically ask yourself questions about your likes and dislikes. As time goes on, this conversation can shift into other heavier subjects, like, ‘how do I prefer to love and be loved?’, or ‘how do I show devotion to my faith?’ I also find it instructive to figure out the reason behind my answers. In finding these answers, I often have to delve deep into my past or unlock some unpleasant memories. Doing this… is truly not pleasant and far removed from the common conception of self-love and healing.
But having these conversations allow me to take a really good look at myself, and eventually, help me to be more compassionate and kind. Case in point, last year, I found out that I often unconsciously judge others harshly and then hating myself for doing so. But then, I realized that I judge myself. I judge myself often and I judge myself harshly (very, very harshly). I realized that my unconscious tendency to judge other is just a reflection to what I feel about myself. In today’s lingo, I am “projecting” my insecurity unto others. Being kind to myself help to develop compassion within me and judge myself more objectively and kindly. Note: I find that it is impossible to stop judging things, so might as well try to provide a more balanced judgement about myself and others.
So, having these conversations really help us to understand ‘self-love’ better. One that is not rooted in consumerism, one that is sustainable, and one that might lead us our personal growth and development. Hope this helps.
